upstatenygurl's Blog

Still feeling awful.  Except now it's worse.  I actually miss this loser and sort of want him back.  I wish I could just end all these feelings and go on with my life but it's so hard.  I realize there are people out there going through worse situations then I am and they're surviving.  Why can't I be stronger then this?  I talked to a counselor on the phone today - that made me feel a little better temporarily.  I haven't done anything wrong but I'm the one sitting home feeling horrible while he's out having the time of his life looking for the next person he can take advantage of.  It's cold out and I'm exhausted and I would give anything to be cuddling in bed with him right now like old times.  Seriously what is wrong with me?  I've gone from feeling sorry for myself to actually feeling bad for him because I think he has a mental illness.  I think he's a kleptomaniac and needs counseling.  Yes, I could be wrong - I hope not.  You wouldn't look down on someone for having the flu, so a mental illness isn't any worse unless the person doesn't want help or a change.  I think the main thing thats bothering me right now at the moment is that he's happy and I'm not.  He doesn't want me back and he's all thats on my mind.  I know there is nothing I can do and it's killing me.

I have felt completely crappy the past few days.  I've missed my ex.  It's hard to eat and hard to sleep.  I hate to feel this way.  I even let him take the dog a few days ago just so he would leave me alone.  Then I made a very stupid mistake by spending the night with him 2 nights ago.  We got along great and I ended up not wanting him to leave.  Well when he did leave yesterday I decided to check up on him by checking his email and his myspace.  He's been talking to a bunch of girls of coarse which I already knew but when I checked his email I was shocked.  I discovered that when we broke up last week he stole a diamond ring from me and posted it online to sell.  This makes me sooo sick!!!  how could he do that to me?  I 've taken care of him the past 2yrs.  How can he feel so entitled to just take what he wants?  I wish I could just hate him for all of this but I can't.  Despite the things he has done I still love him.  Now not only am I mad at him but also with myself for how I feel.  I know it will take time to get over him and I don't need someone like that in my life but right now it just hurts so bad.  I would love to see him pay for all he's done but I doubt I will.  I just want to do something about it.  He can't just go around doing this stuff to people.  I want it to stop.  He doesn't know that I know about this yet because I'm still not sure what I want to do.  I doubt the cops would help me, idk.  I even called him last night to ask him if he had seen my ring just to see what he would say.  He claims he last seen it in the bathroom, what a joke.  My friends even think he stole something from them when we were out there the other night - which of coarse I wouldn't doubt.  I just dont know what to do...

I'm new at this...about me.  Well my boyfriend and I just broke up 2days ago.  I believe its been a long time coming.  I am sad, depressed, & lonely.  We were together a year and 10 months.  As bad as I feel right now I am pretty sure it is for the best.  My Grandfather died a week and a half ago.  I've been upset about that also.  After he died I felt like there was something I should do but I didn't know what.  The only thing I could come up with was to try to become a better person.  He was a good man with a hard life.  He made do with what he had and I think that is what he would want me to do.  I gave him his first and only great grandchild and Papa adored him.  I know he would want me to do the best for my child as well as myself.  With the help of my father I recently purchased a small chunk of land out in the country so I'm really hoping to start building a house this coming spring - it seems unfeasible now that I don't have a man in my life but its a dream of mine I will try to stride for (without giving up, hopefully).  The ex has been trying to make me miserable and jealous.  Its not hard, seeing as I am a very jealous person.  I'm 27yrs old, he's 21.  He was so easy to fall for at first but after awhile I seen his true self.  It wouldn't had worked.  I want another child someday...I don't feel he's responsible enough to raise a child.  I honestly felt like I was a single mother of two while we were together.  I also felt like I had to try to be his conscience while we were together.  Lying and stealing were two big issues for him.  He wouldn't even feel guilty about it.  Sorry but that is just unexceptable to me...especially when he did it to friends.  I'm not perfect but I do have morals!!  I wish I could find someone that is my equal.  I have a 4yr old boy - my only child.  Since I had him I never regained my pre-pregnancy body (thats depressing) but thats something I want to work on also.  I love to cook and I love to write.  It would be great to get a job doing one of those (yes, I'm unemployed).  I have also been pondering the thought of starting a bed & breakfast after I get my new house built.  At this time in my life I feel very alone, it would be great to get some subscribers to my blog and maybe some feedback, thanx!!!